


Imperare sibi maximum imperium est

by books_are_my_patronus1397



Series: The only 5am I wake up for [3]
Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, F/M, Mental Breakdown, Mind Control
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 03:39:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15039893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/books_are_my_patronus1397/pseuds/books_are_my_patronus1397
Summary: "To rule yourself is the ultimate form of power."Five takes action to protect herself and Abel from Moonchild's influence.  But Moonchild is always ten steps ahead. When everything goes wrong, Five must fight against herself to protect the people she loves.  Even if it breaks her apart.Covers S3M45-M47.  Spoilers if you haven't made it this far.  Story sticks mostly to canon, but I've changed some stuff for streamlining and plot purposes.





	1. Facilis descensus Averno

**Author's Note:**

> Italics indicate someone speaking over the headset. Bold font indicates internal thought.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The descent into Hell is easy."

Five jogged steadily across the fields as Sam chatted in the background over her headset. He was really excited about the Blake's 7 DVD's Isabel had told him about, which Five had never seen. He was probably already planning a watch party. If she played her cards right, maybe she could get Jody to trade some of the candy from her stash.

_Sam, I think it might be time for you to leave_ , Isabel interjected.

Five made a face as Sam vehemently protested. It didn’t feel right, having someone other than Sam direct her runs. If she was going to be vulnerable, she trusted Sam much more than Isabel. But Isabel knew hypnosis and if this was the only way to protect herself—and so protect Abel—she didn't really have a choice.

Isabel was persistent and eventually Sam relented, albeit reluctantly and after multiple alternative proposals.

_Yeah, okay. Um, well, I'll be just outside if you need me._

_Thank you, Sam,_ Isabel said. _I'll take very good care of Runner Five for you, I promise_.

Once Sam had gone, Isabel sighed. _All right Five. Feeling relaxed? I know you've run through this particular little copse many times. It should be comfortable and familiar. The bluebells nodding on their stems, the leaves rustling in the gentle breeze. There will be no zombies. Allow yourself to feel relaxed._

As soon as Isabel pointed it out, Five realized it really was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and the sky was a rich, summer blue. She even heard a few songbirds singing somewhere nearby. The tension in her shoulders drained away with every word Isabel spoke. Her mind drifted further and further back, allowing her body to run on autopilot. She found herself watching the world as if from behind a sheet of glass.

Isabel's voice was calm and quiet, twining its way around Five's consciousness. _For once you have nothing to achieve here. This run is for you alone. You'll find images rising to mind. It's just your brain processing memories, like a dream. Imagine them as scenes glimpsed from a passing train. Most people find the process rather pleasant._

_You're now experiencing the triggered suggestions I planted in our previous session. The idea is to produce a sensation of quiet bliss, which blocks your vulnerability to mind control. I'm conditioning you to release dopamine upon a mind control attempt, and preempt its effect, like a kind of mental vaccination. If you feel like smiling, that's perfectly all right._

Unease stirred in Five's mind but she couldn't do anything about it. The bliss Isabel talked about smothered her like a blanket. She felt the muscles in her face distort into a smile.

_You're responding well,_ Isabel said. _Now, I must tell you that you're being followed by two people moving with the characteristic gait of the mind controlled. They're carrying farm tools. You will find you have new energy. Try it out now._

She wasn't afraid, she didn't even feel the need to look around and confirm her location. Her senses didn't sharpen like they usually did when faced with adversaries in the field. Just as Isabel told her, there was no sense of urgency. She simply ran.

_You are clear of the woodland now, and entering a wheat field_ , Isabel told her. _Keep going. You’ll experience some mnemonic artifacts at this stage. Remember, this is simply your brain processing old memories. I’ll be with you the whole time._

Runner Eight’s voice spoke just behind her, to the right but out of sight. “Hey, Tess! Tess, you damned traitor! Selling us out for a clean bed and a hot shower, eh?”

**Sara?** Five wondered distantly. That couldn’t be right, Sara was dead. How--? 

Runner Eight’s voice melded into Isabel’s. _We planted the hypnotic suggestions --_

“You’d have done it, though, Five, wouldn’t you?” Five startled as Simon suddenly spoke up from her left. 

**How did he get here?**

“If you’d have had the chance, you’d have done it,” he said. “Immortality. Who wouldn’t? And Van Ark never asked much. Just a little bit of intel, a little sample of our anti-zom spray. Where was the harm in that?”

She had something to say to him, something she had said before, but she couldn’t remember what…

_Runner Five, can you hear me?_ Sam asked.

He wasn’t supposed to be here either. It was supposed to be Isabel, just Isabel. Her voice echoed in Five’s head – _more of a hindrance than a help._

_Isabel’s gone. She’s misdirected you_ , Sam said. His voice changed and she sensed some urgency, but it felt…off. _There’s something huge chasing you, something dark. I can’t get a good look at it. Run!_

Five pushed herself to greater speeds, even though she couldn’t hear anything behind her. She briefly thought about stopping to see what was chasing her. But Sam would never lie to her and he had told her to run. So that’s what she did.

_It’s still on your track, gaining._ She felt her palms start to sweat and her heartrate increase. All the signs of fear, but she couldn’t feel the fear itself.

Five winced at the brief, almost imperceptible squeal of interference in her ear. Then Sam spoke again. He sounded more confused than worried this time. _I’ve sent Jody to help, but I can’t get a good fix on your location. The woods around you are too dense, Five—_

She heard the interference again and this time Sam was much more frantic. _What is that thing? I only get brief glimpses of it_ – _no!_ he shouted as she slowed to get her bearings on the threat. _Don’t turn around. Don’t even look back. Just run, as fast as you can!_

Suddenly Isabel was speaking again and so Runner Eight. So many voices, pushing her own farther back. It was getting hard to focus. 

_Where are you going, Five?_ Sam asked. 

Wait. **Doesn’t he know?** She wondered sleepily.

_What’s she done to you?_ His voice growled in her ear. _You’ve got to resist this, Five. Just listen to my voice._

She struggled to hang on to his voice, to anchor herself. But she kept slipping. It was like trying, and failing, to wake from a heavy sleep. 

_Runner Four is closing on your position. Listen for her. She’s there to help, Five. You know her!_

The fear in his voice stirred her briefly to wakefulness. Then she heard something approach on her left.

“Runner Five, it’s me!”

Static crackled in her ear again. _Oh God,_ Sam’s voice was clearer this time. _It almost caught you with its claws!_ Her heartrate spiked, and Five ran faster.

“Just stop, and look at me!” 

**That was Jody** , Five thought. **Jody’s here to help**. She slowed for a moment thinking that if Jody was here, it must be safe.

_Time to leave_ , Isabel said. It must have just been a dream, a part of the hypnosis.

_Five, stop, please_ , Sam begged. He sounded far away, muffled by static. _She can’t keep up with you at that pace_.

Jody shouted from behind her, “there’s nothing chasing you, it’s just me!”

_You were always hiding something, weren’t you?_ Sam’s voice suddenly hissed in her ear, clear as a bell. In her mind, Five flinched away, even as her body maintained its breakneck speed. _Ever since that first day, when your helicopter was shot down_.

**Sam, no, not you**. This wasn’t right…

_Time to leave_ , Isabel whispered.

_Everybody else had secrets. Everybody else was exposed. But not you._ Suspicion twisted Sam’s voice into something cruel. Every word shoved her further and further inside herself. _You kept your distance._

“Five’s getting away, Sam!” Jody shouted desperately.

_You have to get Five back!_ _And the ZRD. We think it’s doing something weird to Five. Jody, grab Runner Five’s pack. One burst of speed, come on!_

That sounded like the Sam she knew, the Sam she…

_There’s something inside you, Five._

She recoiled. **You were never supposed to see that part**. 

Voices and images flashed by just like Isabel had warned her: Jody’s hand reaching out to her, trees blurring, a tug and the loss of the weight on her back. Pictures seen from behind the windows of a passing train. Pictures she could no longer control 

_It’s all right, Runner Five_ , Sam said. This time his voice was laced with the sound of bells.

_You’re safe, now_.

“I’ve got Five’s backpack, but I can’t keep up,” Jody’s voice faded behind her.

She felt a final flicker of fear deep inside her.

_I’ll always bring you home_ , Sam whispered.

Bliss flooded her senses as Sam’s voice morphed into Moonchild’s. _We’ll be together forever_. 

The flicker died.

_It’s meant to be. It’s how it will always be. You’ll always be running. Running for me._

Five watched the world pass her by while her muscles expanded and contracted. She felt nothing but joy. Finally, she could run without worry, without doubts. She had been so blind before.

_All those people you watched when you thought you were immune_ , Moonchild crooned. _When you thought it could never happen to you? Did you ever wonder what it felt like to be mind-controlled?_

Five smiled.

_This is what it felt like_.


	2. Primum, non nocere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "First, do no harm."

Everything was so clear now. With Moonchild, nothing weighed Five down; no doubts, no ties to anyone or anything. She worked in perfect harmony with Moonchild’s goal and that was all she could ever need. 

_I was just going to tell you to climb up the ladder onto the ship! That’s what’s great about us, Five. I feel like we just get each other. We’re karmically linked. The hand of fate, the circle of time, leading you back to the same place, but this time, for the right reason._

**Infiltrate the Leatitia Greenwald. Retrieve the serum. She will be so happy** , Five thought to herself.

She caught the sounds of measured footsteps and ducked under an awning on the ship just before two Comansys guards appeared. 

_You’ll always be safe when you’re with me_ , Moonchild assured her.

 **Not true, not true** , a tiny traitorous voice whispered somewhere in her head. **She tricked you.**

 **She helped me** , she thought back.

Moonchild directed her to the next bit of cover and Five moved across the ship like a ghost. She ignored the whisper. She was on a mission. 

Five beamed as Moonchild told her that she would be the one to help finish her life’s work. When Moonchild explained how she was responsible for the apocalypse itself, Five could only feel a pang of sorrow that Moonchild’s work had been delayed for so long.

 **She destroyed the world,** the voice jabbed at her. **And now you’re helping her.**

 _Those zombies, they’re a sign!_ Moonchild prattled on, oblivious to the dissonance occurring in Five’s head.

_You know what’s wrong with them? Desire. Flesh hunger. Desire leads to suffering. But if I could take that way from everyone, humanity will be at peace! It’s our churning brains that hurt us. We need to get that serum, Five. For the good of humanity._

**She’s trying to save the world.**

Five could feel the voice struggling to respond.

Screams echoed from the depths of one of the ships. That tiny voice nudged her, but Five pushed it away as she stepped across the threshold of the Laetitia Greenwald. She listened, enraptured, as Moonchild blessed her with the story of her time at Comansys. She explained the story of Diana’s heartbreak, revealed how she fixed Diana and improved her life all without any recognition for herself. 

**Wrong,** the voice hissed.

Five descended the narrow ladder to the next level of the ship and noticed the spill of blue light pouring from the window of the arboretum door. That’s where the serum was, so that’s where she needed to go. But in front of the door stood Albert Goodall.

_You’re going to have to deal with him, I’m afraid Five. You’ve got that gun I gave you?_

Five reached for the gun and leveled it at Albert. He looked up, some sixth sense alerting him to her presence. His eyes widened as he registered the weapon.

“Runner Five?” he asked. “What on earth you doing? Why are you pointing that gun at me? Oh God.” He took a small step back, raising his hands. “You’re grinning like an idiot. Five, she’s go you. I know she has.”

He started shouting for help and Moonchild gave her orders. _Shoot him, Five. Do it now._

Five stepped forward and started to squeeze.

**NO!**

The voice screamed forward in her mind, cutting through the tones in her head until it snapped into its proper place. Five realized for a brief, fleeting, horrible moment, that the traitorous voice was her own. 

She was barely able to stop her trigger finger, altering her momentum just enough to strike Albert with the butt of her gun instead. He crumpled to the ground, unconscious, but alive.

 _I said shoot him, Five! Don’t just hit him!_ Moonchild scolded

An alarm blared through the ship and Five clutched her head. 

_Nothing’s gone wrong_ , Moonchild decided to disregard Five’s brief resistance and hurried to reset the status quo. _You’re safe. Listen to my voice. Any other urges you have are irrelevant._

With a stifled scream, Five, the real Five, slipped away, unable to find purchase in her own mind against Moonchild’s smooth voice. Bells clanged through her head, and everything was clear and simple again. 

She felt a stab a disappointment that she hadn’t done what Moonchild wanted. But it didn’t matter now, her way was clear. 

_Grab some of that serum and run!_

Five snatched a couple of the plastic vials of serum and shoved them into her backpack, barely slowing. She sprinted down the corridor, following Moonchild’s directions to the control center of the entire flotilla.

Gunshots rang out as Five stepped onto the open deck, but she felt no fear even as she ducked down and sprinted to the next ship. Moonchild had promised to get Five off the ships alive. Besides, like Moonchild said, letting them cut Five off from Moonchild’s love would be worse than dying.

She wasn’t sure where the sudden wave of nausea came from.

_You should have seen them, man. All I had to do was put a little bit of CeretinPlus into the main water tank at Comansys, and it was just like, that was how people were supposed to be! You know? Happy, at peace! Working hard, all of them wanting the same thing._

Five spotted Comansys people aiming their weapons at her. At Moonchild’s urging, she responded by drawing her own gun. But her stomach tightened as she squeezed the trigger, and she adjusted her aim.

_Shooting to wound I see! You really do know your own mind, don’t you? Really, that’s the thing. That’s the whole point. I’m not trying to change people! I just want to change what they want._

**That’s the same thing**. The voice was back.

_If we only all wanted the right things. Can you imagine, Five? If nobody wanted to hurt anyone, or to hurt themselves. To smoke or drink or take heroin. If no one desperately wanted things they just couldn’t have._

Five’s heart ached for the fulfillment of that dream. Even that little voice in her head seemed to want that kind of peace.

 _If everybody wanted the right things, that would be peace on Earth_.

T **here it is** , the voice whispered. **Who is it that gets to decide what the right things are?**

When Moonchild effused about Five being her masterpiece, that voice inside her railed against the pride blooming in her chest.

 _I can finally do for everyone what I’ve already done for you_ , she promised, like that was the only thing in the world with wanting.

**You can’t let her do this, Five. You need to protect them from her.**

She had reached the door of the control center, giving her an excuse to try and ignore the voice again. 

“Hey, what are you doing?!”

The room wasn’t empty. Without thinking, Five pulled the trigger and the wide-eyed Comansys guard fell to the floor with a shout. But Moonchild was speaking again, and Five couldn’t waste time to check on him.

She stepped up to the control panel and hesitated. 

**Don’t do this!**

The bell tones rang in her headset, so loud they drowned out the alarms clanging through the ships.

 _Here are the code words to shut down the generators on board. We don’t want them following you_. Moonchild was right, and shutting down the generators seemed harmless enough. As soon as the tapped the enter key and the screen in front of her blinked and beeped furiously, Five squeezed out a porthole in the side of the ship.

Five hit the water like a rock. When she surfaced, her whole body stung from the height of the drop. But she ignored the pain and struck out towards land. 

_I didn’t quite tell you the whole truth, I’m afraid_ , Moonchild’s voice floated over her headset and it crackled and cut out a little from the water. _You’d better start swimming, because if you’re here in like, four minutes thirty-seven seconds, you won’t be here anymore._

Five spluttered, inhaling water. She could feel the growing horror in the back of her head, a feeling that shouldn’t belong to her. Not now, not with Moonchild. If she just kept swimming, one arm after the other, she could ignore it. She could pretend—

The air behind her roared. Five turned in the water and watched as flames exploded from the sides of the boats and started to consume the vessels, like greedy children grabbing at anything and everything they could lay their hands on. 

Debris flew through the air, splashing into the water like rain. Five heard that little voice deep inside her shriek in grief and rage and horror, before it fell, finally, silent. Now she could revel in the satisfaction and elation that came from a mission that succeeded beyond what she had conceived. Moonchild was safe and Five would be free from any pursuit. 

Just like Moonchild said. Though it was a waste, it was a necessary one. They couldn’t afford to be stopped.

 _We’re doing this for the good of humanity_ , Moonchild assured her. A part of Five waited for that little voice to speak again, to say anything that might contradict such a statement. 

Nothing.

Five swam to shore and squeezed what excess water she could get out of her clothes. Her gun was gone after her leap from the ship, but she still had her trusty axe and the vials of serum. 

_Come on Five. It’s time for you to pay a visit to some friends._

****

Five crouched among the bushes, as Moonchild instructed. She breathed lightly through her mouth, trying to ignore the smell from the nearby latrines. Branches poked her side and the leaves tangled in her hair, but they were minor inconveniences.

It had only take a little creative maneuvering to get over Abel’s walls back by the latrines. They were never well-guarded and Janine had always intended to build up the defenses in this back corner, but other things had taken precedence.

_Someone’s coming._

“—haven’t heard anything.” Jody, Sam and Janine rounded a corner. They all looked tired. Jody had a scowl on her face. Her hands were curled into fists at her side. “Ministry aren’t saying _anything_.”

Sam rubbed his face with both hands in frustration. “You’d think they’d know this is serious! Just a runner,” he scoffed. 

**S a m . . . ?**

Five frowned. When had the voice returned? 

Something made her shift her feet, leaning closer to her friends. The branches rustled.

“Hey, Sam, do you see that?” Jody froze, looking directly towards Five’s hiding place. Sam and Janine turned. “Someone’s moving in the bushes!”

_Stay still, Runner Five. I don’t need to tell you that, of course._

She did need to, Five realized. The voice in her head urged her to stand up, just one moment, one decision and it would all be over. But she couldn’t quite do it and her nerves hummed with indecision.

Sam squinted, then his eyes widened. “You’re right, there’s someone there, I can see them! Raise the alarm!” A siren wailed throughout Able, but Sam couldn’t look away from where she was hiding. “I—I think it’s Five.”

 **I’m here,** it said. **Forgive me.**

_Five, you can still make it. Behind the dormitory block. There’s no one there now. Run!_

She hesitated, but the bells rang in her head once again and she took off in the opposite direction without another thought. Five heard Sam and Jody shout behind her, but she was too fast. She dodged around buildings and dove behind some crates.

“Damn, I’ve lost them!” she heard Sam and the others come to a stop near her hiding place. Sam sounded strained.

“Which way did the figure go, Mister Yao?” Janine asked, barely out of breath.

“I thought it was there, towards the rec center.”

Five closed her eyes, willing herself to stay still and hidden. “Do you think…” Janine said carefully. “You’ve thought you’ve seen Runner Five a lot.” 

Her heart skipped a little, but she remained silent. 

“Who don’t know who it was. It’s just, with what happened to Comansys…” Five could feel the voice inside her shudder as she remembered the inferno she had caused. “They said Runner Five was there, but I searched through all the surveillance footage we salvaged, and,” he sighed. “There’s nothing,” he finished quietly.

“You’re correct, Mister Yao,” Janine said briskly. “We only have suspicions at present, and my training was always not to allow suspicions free reign. That is the way to make operational errors.”

“You’re training?” Jody asked.

“Classified.”

Five could imagine Jody shaking her head. “Of course. Come on then, let’s just keep looking. We know someone was here.” 

Five heard them leave and she waited a few long moments until she was certain there was no one around to spot her before stepping out from behind the crates. Moonchild was right, Abel was on high alert and it would make it more difficult to complete her mission. She needed a distraction.

_All that noise they’re making has attracted some zombies to their front gate, though. That could work for us. No one’s guarding the gate raising pulleys, and you’re close._

She moved quickly to the gates, unnoticed by the guards on the wall above, and placed her hands on the pulleys. Moonchild whispered to her, urging her to open them.

 **No, no, no please, not Abel too** , the voice begged, louder this time and more frantic. Five hesitated.

 _Just—just raise the gates!_ The bells rang through her headset. With shaking hands, Five shoved the lever forward. Metal clanked and the gates started to rise as another alarm blared through the township. She could hear the zombs growling, and it grew louder as they discovered the new opening. 

**Traitor.**

_That should keep them busy, Five!_ Moonchild crowed. _Time for you to get out of there._

Just a quick detour to Maxine’s lab—Five couldn’t let the doctor’s notes get in the way of Moonchild’s goal—then she was sprinting across Abel to get the ZRD.

The zombs had fully infiltrated the Township now, and Five was aware of people shouting orders and guns firing. Abel had protocol for this and the residents moved quickly with the ease of practice to erect barricades and cut off as many routes as possible, herding zombs to a centralized area to be dispatched efficiently. The problem was that left Five with fewer and fewer options.

 _Hide behind that statue_ , Moonchild cut in. _Just crouch down there while I work out the best route for you._

Five rounded the base of the statue, ready to catch her breath, and came face to face with Jody.

Jody’s eyes widened. “Oh my God, Runner Five!”

**Murderer.**

_Hmm, that’s bad luck. She’s not supposed to be there. You’ll have to get rid of her._

Jody straightened a bit, studying her face. “Are you – are you okay? How’d you even get in here, Five?” Five could only stare. She couldn’t figure out which voice to listen to. “You look really weird, Five. Just like, spaced out. I’m, I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop you Five! Have you broken away from the mind control? Here,” she held out her hand. “Just take my hand. Doctor Myers might be able to help you.”

_She’s going to try to trick you, Five. Well, you know that._

**Forgive me.**

“Come on!” Jody smiled, but there was something sad in her eyes. “Just follow me.”

_She’s got something in her hand!_

The warning in Moonchild’s voice was like a bolt of electricity and Five, suddenly seeing the danger, struck Jody with her fist. Jody fell to the ground like a rock.

She couldn’t waste any more time. Five started running again, forgoing all pretense of stealth and planning. She just needed to get to that ZRD.

 _Looks like it’s just one more guard to get through. Hey, it’s your friend Sam! Once you’ve dealt with him, you’ll really be free_.

She felt fear slice through her heart and the voice cry out in her head.

"I've been waiting for you." 

Five came to a complete stop as Simon Lauchlan materialized in front of her. He stared accusingly, unaware of the chaos around him. 

Moonchild spoke over him. _Something about the balance of neural chemicals. It was the same with that woman who used to be a cook at Abel. What was her name? Um, Francesca. She started hearing voices._

"You deserve to die for what you've done," Simon told her. But how could he say that to her? she was saving the world.

**All those people. I killed all those people.**

Someone was screaming and for a moment she couldn’t tell if she was still in Abel or back in the water watching all those ships burn.

**I should have burned with them.**

_But you're fine, aren't you, Five?_ Moonchild said brightly. _Look at you, loping over to deal with Sam Yao. So graceful!_

Five started to run again. Running made sense. Her goal made sense: get the ZRD. If she did that, everything would be okay.

**Burn.**

She didn’t run fast enough. "The thing is, Five,” Simon said, keeping pace next to her. “Dying would be too easy."

There were too many voices in her head.

***

She pushed open the door of the supply room. Shelves along the left wall were piled high with various bits and sundry, but meticulously organized.

 _Ah, here we are!_ Moonchild said gleefully. Five felt herself smile in response to Moonchild's happiness. _The ZRD is in that cabinet. Only one person to get through._

Her smile faltered as she became aware of Sam standing between her and the cabinet. Between her and the thing that would give her peace.

"Hello, Five," He said carefully. But Moonchild was speaking too, something about how the ZRD was crucial for her plans. All she had to do was get rid of Sam and....

**No.**

Five froze, muscles locked into place by the command resonating through her body.

**I won’t hurt Sam.**

"I knew it was going to be you." He opened his arms, showing her that he had no weapons, that he wouldn't hurt her. "I felt your presence." He gave a half-hearted chuckle. "Yeah, that would be a better joke if it was Christmas." 

Despite his attempt at humor, she noticed that his shoulders were tense and the laugh didn't quite reach his eyes. He was scared. He was scared of her.

He glanced over her shoulder, out into the hallway. "Five's here!" he shouted to someone. "I'm okay, just need a bit of help. Five's here."

 _No one's coming yet_ , Moonchild whispered urgently. _I know this is going to be hard. But you have your axe Five. Everything will be all right._ Her voice was so soothing. All Five had to do was trust her. No one knew her like Moonchild, except... 

Her hand closed around the handle of her axe. 

**NO!**

The voice snapped forward and for the second time, just like on the ship, pushed Moonchild away just enough that Five came back to herself. She barely wrenched enough control back to freeze her body in place.

Sam glanced quickly between her face and the axe in her hand. "It's not you, you know?" Sam said. There was a tinge of desperation in his voice. Sam must be able to see just how tenuous her hold on her own body was. "Something's happened to you. But I know you're in there. I do! I just feel it."

Her body trembled. Memories, clear and unclouded by Moonchild’s influence, flooded her brain. The horror and grief that came with them was shaking her lose just as much as the bells clanging in her ears. She wanted to forget what she had done, to take whatever happiness Moonchild promised her and disappear within herself. She had betrayed Abel. She had killed innocent people. 

But if she surrendered now, refused to face the hurt she had caused, she would be betraying them all over again.

"The thing is..." Sam swallowed. "Look, I've watched you all run so much. I don't even need cams half the time. I'd know who was who by the sound of your steps. And I can hear it in yours now." He took one step closer to her, his eyes earnest.

"You're not running like yourself. You sound like one of those drones: mechanical, each step the same. Except," he inched his hand towards hers. "Sometimes, just for a second, you go back to yourself, your own rhythm. I know you're in there Five," his voice wavered. "I know you can fight this."

Her hand tightened around the handle of the axe even as she begged herself not to do this. She could feel a tear slide down her cheek.

_It's just like ripping off a plaster, Five. You'll feel so much better when it's done. Get me that ZRD, now._

Sam's eyes widened as she swayed forward on her feet. The control tones tolled in her head, so loud it felt like the very ground vibrated.

"Five, no. Please. This isn't you. You don't want to do this!" his voice rose. "No! Help. Someone, help!"

 _Do it_ , Moonchild commanded. 

**NO.**

Her muscles contracted but she didn’t move. Her temples began to throb. Pain lanced through her brain, in time to her heart beating. She heard Sam shout, and in her mind she _screamed_.

She felt a sharp pain in the back of her neck.

And her mind snapped like an overstretched rubber band _._


	3. Deus quem punire vult dementat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Whom God will destroy, He first make mad."

Five opened her eyes to a simple bedroom, one that could have been in the brochure of a mental health facility: crisp white sheets on a thin cot next to a single nightstand, surrounded by cinderblock walls. There was a painting of a sunset and a lake hanging over her bed. The scene was so common she felt like she had seen that lake before despite knowing she never had. The air around her had a shimmery quality to it. Five waved her hand in front of her face, mesmerized by the light that danced through her fingers. Five looked down at her bed sheets and thought that if she touched them, the color would smear all over her hands.

"Wake up, Five! It's your big day!"

Five looked up. Archie stood at the door of Five's bedroom, wearing an orange track suit so bright it hurt her eyes. She could've sworn the doorway had been empty, but Archie acted like she had been standing there for ages. 

"Archie?" she asked in wonder. "What--"

"Well, maybe not so huge, but not small, either," Archie grinned. "It's your medium-sized day, today! Here, I've got your running shoes ready." She held out a pair of sneakers. "Just put these on. Well, you could get dressed first. I don't mind. I'm happy to see you let it all hang out, but perhaps Doctor V might not like it so very much. You know how stuffy he can be," she laughed.

Five looked down in confusion. She had been wearing clothes and shoes before . . . before . . .she couldn’t remember. Instead, she slipped on her own orange track suit pants and a white t-shirt. 

"Look we match!” Archie clapped. “I like that all of us patients have the same uniform. It makes me feel that I belong." 

Patients? That didn’t seem right. Five rubbed her forehead, trying to ease the dull ache that had started there. "Okay," Archie continued, oblivious to Five's distress. "You have your shoes, and you've brushed your teeth with your purple toothbrush. But there is one thing you've forgotten, Five. Very silly." She brought out a tiny plastic cup from behind her back. "You must of course take your medication before you go out. It would be very bad if you had an incident like you did after the crash."

Five froze. The crash? The helicopter crash? She had been here since then? But that was so long ago. Why couldn’t she remember anything? Grief twisted in her chest as a memory of running across open fields with a familiar voice directing her flashed through her mind. Then it was gone.

"But the doctors said we weren't to talk about that," Archie said with a breezy wave. "Just take your pills, and then we can go out for your big treat! A running track they've put in just for you! I know how you like to run Five, with the wind making your hair all messy and tangly, and your stomach feeling like maybe you'll be throwing up soon. It's so fun!"

She linked arms with Five and they walked out of the room. The hallway looked strange, as if the walls weren't quite solid. "You must do as Doctor V says." Archie ordered. "I know you don't completely trust him. I didn't trust him either. But he is the only one who can stop your imagining these silly things you've been imagining.

"The zombie apocalypse? Very horrible," she giggled. "So much nicer to live in the real world! So come on. We mustn't keep him waiting." 

Five tensed as she suddenly remembered. **Able. Zombies were attacking Able.** Her friends were in danger, but Archie was acting like it was all Five’s imagination. But Able was real. It had to be. 

A wave of nausea slammed into her. If Abel was real, then the things she did were real. 

**Sam**. 

She remembered him shouting, her raising her axe and then…nothing. **Oh, God, no**. Her knees buckled. 

Either Sam was a figment of her imagination, or he was dead. Either way, she had lost him. And it was her fault.

"Oh look!" Archie said, her arm still linked with Five. The walls around them melted like wave and suddenly they were standing in the middle of a grassy courtyard. But here, instead of green, the entire running track was made out of grass a deep, sickeningly rich shade of indigo.

"We aren't the first ones on the track! I thought we would be, since they made it specially for you. But someone is even more keen."

How Five hadn't noticed her before now was a mystery. But in an instant Runner Eight stood before the two of them, smiling like Five remembered. As if she was in on some big joke of the world and the punch line was about to drop on everyone else. 

"Hi there, Five. Good to see you again, I heard the board had to vote on whether they could put this running track in. Apparently, some of the doctors were worried about feeding into your delusions."

Five frowned, finding it more difficult to breathe. Archie and Eight were supposed to be dead, but they weren’t. Abel was supposed to be real, but it wasn’t. She could feel the edges of panic closing in. She withdrew her arm from Archie and started to run. Maybe if she was moving, she could figure out what exactly was going on

Archie and Eight followed her. "But they do not understand the brain chemistry of delusions at all!” Archie said. “Newer research suggests that it is better to confront our fears than avoid them. I know you sometimes think that you are running with zombies, all gray and gruesome, but here you are running with friends instead. It is much nicer, isn't it?" 

Just as Archie said that, Five caught herself checking the horizon for any unusual movement.

"It was Doctor V who talked them into it, Five," Eight said. They maintained a comfortable pace and she wasn't at all winded. "I know how you feel about him, but those injections of his were just muscle relaxant, Five, not whatever weird cocktail of immortality drugs you thought they were." 

She felt a chill roll down her spine. She couldn't hide the naked fear that flashed across her face as she realized who Eight was talking about.

"I used to be just the same," Eight laughed, blissfully unaware of Five's reaction. "Do you remember how I used to think he was planning to kill me?"

Archie leaned forward, to talk across Five. "I used to think that, too! I had terrible dreams. I dreamed he hurt me with electricity. I dreamed he kept Jamie away from me. I dreamed he killed me!"

Five closed her eyes, remembering the sound of Archie's screams on that god-awful day. She had listened to her friend die over her headset and had been helpless to stop it. She’s supposed to believe that was all in her head? 

"It's funny, because he's so fluffy? Is that the right word?" Archie said, a bounce to her step. "In his white coat and with his white hair, he looks like a smiling cloud! I just want to hug him!"

Five curled her fists. She would never describe Van Ark as anything but cold. Not with those eyes.

"Doctor V convinced the board your mental health is improved by running. You've been here two years now--" Five faltered for a brief moment -- "and you still... well, you haven't faced up to everything that happened after the crash, have you? He said if they wanted to see real progress, they'd give you this."

"There's Doctor V now!" Archie shouted. "Look, he has running shoes on. He's going to come running with us! Isn't that nice?"

Fear spiked through her body as Van Ark jogged up to the three of them, the bright orange shoes he wore clashing with the purple grass. Five stumbled to a stop, darting quick glances at her companions. Both of them were calm, relaxed. Nothing like Five expected.

"Patient Five!" Van Ark smiled. She took a half-step back, on instinct. "How lovely to see you up and about and so early! You really are in tremendously good shape." 

Five's skin crawled and she couldn't take it anymore. She started running again, but he simply followed, keeping pace no matter how hard she pushed herself. "Mind if I join you? Go ahead and keep running. I know how you like to do that."

She felt tears start to burn in her eyes. Van Ark, Archie and Eight ran with her, as if a friendly morning jog on purple grass was a normal, every day occurrence. But none of it felt normal. It was like she was trapped in a dream that made sense internally but sounded nonsensical when you remembered it in the morning.

As they ran, the purple grass track felt more uneven. Patches of green grass started popping up and bushes she hadn't noticed before appeared out of nowhere. The bushes looked muted, but more solid than her other surroundings. 

The air in front of her shimmered and twisted itself into the shape of Simon Lauchlan. His jacket was mud-stained and torn, but at least the color of his shoes didn't give her a headache.

"Quickly, Five, this way," he waved his hand at her and scanned the area. He looked right past her other companions, as if he couldn't see them. "Down the path between the brambles, but watch out! They're tricky buggers." 

The bushes in front of her grew and slithered, changing into talons that snatched at her from all sides. "They'll grab you if they can. I think they're working for Van Ark," Simon laughed.

Van Ark ran next to her, a beatific smile plastered to his face, without heed of the brambles in their way.

"I'm not going to let myself back into his clutches," Simon continued. "Not after what happened last time. You wouldn't want that either, would you?" 

Five simply looked at him, stumbling over debris on the ground she could swear didn't exist. Simon shook his head. "Or maybe you would. Look at the state of you, Five! I thought I was a mess. Well, less of one now I've got my full set of limbs back,” he wiggled his fingers. “But you really take the biscuit. I know they've been pumping you full of God knows what in that place, but that's not it, is it? It's now what they've done to you. It’s what you're doing to yourself."

The air shimmered and twisted again and suddenly there were trees surrounding them. Van Ark, Archie and Eight maintained their steady pace next to Five, avoiding the trees without moving as they stared ahead with smiles on their face. Wings fluttered near her head and she flinched as an owl hooted.

"Dammit!" Simon cursed. "That's an alarm call. The owls are working for him too, you know. They've always been nasty little bastards. No loyalty."

Five looked up at the owl perched in one of the branches. It just blinked at her with wide, golden eyes. 

Pain flashed across her arm as a branch whipped across her arm.

"Follow me!" Simon said. She looked up and suddenly he was further away, off to her left. "But be careful of the giant spider's webs, they're hard to see in the dark."

She shuddered as invisible, sticky threads brushed across her face. Guilt and terror crawled across her skin like actual spiders, burrowing under skin and infecting her with screams. She remembered, now.

They were the screams of the people she had murdered. 

**No, no, no please I don’t want them** , she sobbed. **I’m sorry!**

Branches rustled on her right, drawing her out of the memories. Simon appeared, sweaty and dirt-stained, but solid. The air around him didn't shimmer like it did everywhere else, except when he spoke. The words twisted the air around him and it made her dizzy.

"Hurry up, Five! Blimey, it’s as if you want to get caught.” He paused, studying here. “Hang on. You do, don't you?" 

She didn’t know anymore. But how could she get caught if she didn’t even know what was happening? Five struggled to grasp a reality, any reality, even if it came from Simon. 

He nodded. "Yep, you've got a guilty conscience, I can spot it a mile off. Come on, you can talk to Uncle Simon. It's not like I won't understand." Then he smiled with a hint of bitter, selfish triumph that looked odd on his face. "But then, you're not used to it, are you? Being the bad guy. You don't know how to cope."

"Stop it," she spat, her voice hoarse. A wolf howled in the distance.

Simon whistled. "Wolves, too. They're bringing in the heavy guns. They must really want you back. You can't let them take you Five, it's cowardice! That's what it is. If I can face up to what I've done why the hell can't you?"

She flexed her hands and backed away, shaking her head. Maybe that would get rid of the webs that still clung to her hair. 

"Although, to be fair," Simon stepped closer, his voice lower. Cruel. "You killed a lot more people than I ever did. How many were on those Comansys boats?"

Five smelled smoke and could hear a distant explosion. An echo of Moonchild's voice whispered in her ear, even though she couldn't understand the words. 

She couldn't breathe.

Simon was relentless. Eight, Archie and Van Ark crowded around her, staring. "Must have been hundreds, thousands even! All going about their daily lives, happy as you please, until you came along and then _boom_!"

She stumbled backwards and fell. "No, please," she whispered. 

But Simon wasn't listening. He kept speaking, each word a physical blow. "I was there, you know, on the ships just before they blew. I was after the serum, same as you. Could have seen that explosion a mile off. Pretty impressive! If you're a fan of death and destruction." 

Five buried her head in her arms as Simon knelt in front of her. "No, don't turn away from it, don't try to run from it. You’ll go mad."

 **I already am** , she thought.


	4. Dum spiro, spero. Dum spero, vivo...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "As long as I breathe, I hope. As long as I hope, I live..."

"There's the escaped patient!"

Five snapped her head up. Eight, Archie and Van Ark did the same, completely in sync. She saw Amelia Spens, yards away, surrounded by a pack of wolves. The wolves raised their heads as one and howled. Amelia pointed her finger towards Five. "Get them!"

Simon grabbed her arm and hoisted her to her feet. "Come on, Five, we've got to get away from them and the trees are trying to drag us back." The trees around them bent towards her and the air shimmered more violently than before. Five closed her eyes as Simon shouted at her. "Run!"

If she knew nothing else, she knew she could run. So she ran and ran and ran and the bark on the trees dripped to the ground.

“Patient Five? Patient Five, can you hear me?” Van Ark’s voice wobbled and then snapped into place. Five forced back a sob as he spoke to her with gentle concern. “Just breathe,” he said. “Keep running. You’ll feel better in a moment. You’ve had another incident, I’m afraid.”

Five kept running. Simon, the wolves and the sinister plant life were gone, replaced by picturesque grass and pleasantly tweeting birds. But the serenity of the day couldn’t ease the panic and turmoil inside her.

“It’s that damned Patient Three, isn’t it?” Sara asked, her eyes hard. “Dripping poison in your ear. I knew he was trouble the instant I clapped eyes on him.”

Archie nodded. “Patient Eight is correct. Three is a very troubled man, I’m afraid, even though he is your friend.”

“Remember how he encouraged you to steal the gardener’s weedkiller spray and ‘spray the zombies’ with it? You killed a lot of beautiful black apple trees.”

So. Even in this reality she was a killer.

“I listened to him once, Five,” Archie said, patting her on the shoulder. “We did naked limbo dancing, and I got into some very bad trouble. Doctor V had to take away my privileges for a week! No ABBA to listen to, imagine that!” She shuddered.

Sarah huffed. “It’s true. He’s a compulsive liar, that man. He’s spun so many tales now, I don’t think he’d know the truth if it came and bit him on the ass!”

“Don’t worry about that now, Patient Five.” Van Ark shot a look at Sarah, who shrugged. “Just concentrate on your running. A steady pace, and even gait. Look around you at the trees and grass. That bed of roses you and Archie planted last spring.”

Bright blue roses sprouted along the running track in her wake. Five’s shoulders started to relax and her breathing evened out. Van Ark smiled. “Look at those beautiful blossoms. So calming.”

“There you go, you see. You’re feeling a lot better now, I can tell,” Sarah said.

It was true. The more she ran, the better she felt. The colors and bright sunshine settled her mind. The horrors and memories in her head started to fade again.

“It’s good to be better. I’m feeling so nearly well again that Doctor V said I can soon have a visit from Jamie!” Archie was basically skipping now. “I’m so excited!”

Five smiled at Archie’s joy. It was good to see her happy.

“I’m just counting the days until my discharge, Five.” Sarah was quieter but no less emotional. “Until I can go home and see my boys again. 

It started to dawn on her. If the apocalypse was really all in her head, maybe there would be people waiting for her. Her family, smiling as they greeted her and mobbing her with hugs…would this reality be so bad? 

“I just need – I need to be sure I won’t hurt them again, like I did before,” Sarah added. “I know you’re worried about the same thing.” 

Five’s stomach dropped, like she had missed a last step at the top of a staircase.

“It’s all about letting go of these feelings of guilt and responsibility.” Van Ark spoke up. He had slipped into doctor mode. “After the crash, well, it’s no surprise the world started to seem like a dangerous place. That all your friends seemed like dead people walking. Paranoia – feeling that the crash was somehow targeted at you – is a very normal response. 

He looked at her with a concern she almost believed was genuine. “But this fantasy you’ve constructed – the zombie apocalypse, that little settlement of yours – what was it called, again?”

 **Abel,** she thought.

“Patient Five’s named it after the ward. Abel,” Sarah answered for her. 

Of course. Abel was the name of the hospital. Not a township.

“This fantasy town full of fantasy friends,” Van Ark shook his head sadly. “You were feeling very isolated. But you don’t need it anymore, Patient Five. You have real friends here, and real help.”

Five slowed. No, wait. Maxine, Jody, Janine, Sam, they had to be real. She couldn’t have just made all of them up. She needed them.

“Whatever you might have done, when you saw those men with the leafblower and thought it was a rocket launcher – it’s in the past. Everyone’s forgiven it, except you. That’s the final piece of the puzzle.” His voice started to crackle, like static. 

Five watched in growing horror as darkness spread across his face. He grinned, but it was too wide to be normal. “Can you face up to what you’ve done? Can you, Five?”

Five took off in a sprint, desperation fueling her this time. As she ran her vision wavered and she thought she was going to fall over. The world began to dull and she saw shimmering images of trees, like mirages in the desert. 

She could hear labored breathing behind her and almost choked in fear. 

“Concentrate, Five! For God’s sake,” Simon growled. He was back. She looked around, but there was no sign of Van Ark. No sign of anyone except Simon. “I don’t know where you’re going. You need to show me the way.”

She frowned. **Where are we supposed to be going?**

Simon sighed in frustration. “They’ve pumped you so full of that bloody poison, you don’t know if you’re coming or going. Well, you’re coming with me, under this old railway bridge.” Simon was no longer beside her. She looked for him, and noticed that the sky was no longer the rich, thick turquois it had been. It had turned a gloomy grey and was partially blocked by a stone bridge dripping with vines.

“Just watch out for the troll, and try to stay in the here and now.”

The shadows under the bridge shifted briefly into a big, hulking beast with accusing red eyes, before settling back into nothing. Her head and eyes hurt. She didn’t know what was up and what was down anymore.

Simon ran backwards in front of her. He tilted his head. “I know you’re seeing things, I can tell it from the way your eyes keep flitting about. You need to remember what’s real. I’m real. I’m the only thing that is! Well, me and that troll.” 

Five glared at Simon. **Trying to remember what was real is the _whole fucking problem,_** she wanted to scream.

“You don’t believe me, do you?” he smirked. “I suppose that’s a good sign. Generally speaking, you tend not to trust a word I say. But look at it this way – if you were having a private little fantasy all to yourself, would you really put me in it, of all people? I mean, I’m not being falsely modest here, but I don’t think I’m your idea of a dream date.”

 **Neither is Van Ark** , Five thought bitterly. **But he’s in my head, too.**

The grass beneath her turned to snakes and she stumbled, barely keeping her footing. Five shuddered as the reptiles shifted under her feet. They hissed and rose up on their tails, slithering backward while they stared at her.

“Bloody hell, when you have a bad trip, you really go to town, don’t you?” Simon shook his head and then put his hands on her shoulders. He bent down to meet her eyes directly. “I’m starting to feel like you’re not really hearing exactly what I’m saying. It’s getting mixed up with your hallucinations, but you have to listen to this.”

Her eyes drifted over his shoulder where the bark of the mirage trees twisted into faces. The faces were screaming.

“Listen!” he shook her shoulders. “You can’t crack up. I know it’s tempting.” She snapped her gaze back to his. “Believe me, I know! But the world needs you to be compos bloody mentis. You mean something to people!”

Five laughed bitterly. If this is what she had to offer the world, it would be better off if she stayed the hell away.

Simon hung his head and sighed in frustration. “Look. Altruism’s your game, isn’t it? Doing the right thing? Duty and honor before everything, and all that bollocks.”

She frowned at his dismissive tone, which seemed to please him. “Well, it’s time to do your duty,” he said. “I don’t care if it hurts. Doing the right thing often does. That’s why I generally avoid it!”

Another wave of snakes slithered backwards across her feet, hissing at her.

“Bugger it. Here comes some more of your hallucinations. I think those meds you’re taking are messing with your mind.” He let go of her shoulders. “Come on, Five, we better make ourselves scarce.”

Just as she started to follow him, the sky changed back again, shuttering like an old-school slideshow. The sun shone brightly and the trees and snakes were gone. 

“There you are, Patient Five. Should have known I’d find you back on the running track.” Van Ark ran up next to her, the menacing darkness nowhere to be seen. Five suppressed the urge to cover her ears and squeeze her eyes shut in the hopes that everything would go away. 

“You’re a fascinating case study,” he murmured more to himself than anything. “Your pilfering and collection of small objects to bring back to build up Able, your peculiar harassment of those two radio personalities. Not to mention this Patient Three you’ve hallucinated, when you know very well that room three is bricked up and empty inside. No one can get in there, Patient Five.”

If she weren’t so tired and confused, she might have thought there was a deeper meaning in that statement somewhere.

“But, you’ve been making good progress. So good that I think I can risk allowing you a little perk.” Five slowed, eyeing him cautiously. Van Ark smiled at her. “Now I wouldn’t normally permit this before your course of treatment was completed, but as you’ve been so good, I’m going to allow you a visitor.”

The word was out of her mouth before she thought about it. “Who?”

He continued to speak as if she hadn’t uttered a word. “You need to remember that those dreams you’ve had about hurting him are just that—dreams. You only imagined it, because he’s so important to you.”

Van Ark turned around to wave and when she saw who he was talking about, Five’s strength crumbled.

Sam, happy and unharmed, walked towards her.

“I’ll leave you two to catch up,” Van Ark said. She didn’t actually see him leave, but in the next moment it was just her and Sam standing on the lawn.

“Sam?” she whispered, touching his cheek in disbelief. “You’re ok?” 

“You’re a sight for sore eyes,” he said. “How are you? You’re looking a lot better. Like, a lot. They told me you were, but I didn’t want to believe it. Not after, well, that little setback when they took you on the boat outing.” 

Five stepped back, pressing the heels of her palms to her eyes. Sam groaned. “But you don’t want to think about that. I shouldn’t have even mentioned it. Stupid, stupid, Sam.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. “Um, the thing to remember is that a few people might have been a bit shaken, but no one was hurt, and uh, whatever you’ve been imagining no one at all was killed. Sara isn’t dead, Archie’s still alive. Doctor V’s in rude health. And,” he gently took her hand and she met his eyes. “You definitely didn’t kill me. And what you did do, well, um..." he took a breath. "Well, it hasn’t changed the way I feel about you. Nothing ever would.”

She opened her mouth to tell him…. something. But as she did, the image of Sam fractured into pieces. Colors rained from the sky. The world spun and Sam morphed into Simon, who was still holding her hand.

Simon said something, but his voice was warped beyond recognition. Five looked around wildly as everything continued to spin and spin and spin. Then a very real pain flashed across her face.

“For God’s sake, snap out of it!” Simon shouted. 

The pain was what she needed. Five clung to it as the spinning slowed. A fresh burst of pain burned away her hallucinations. The ground solidified under her feet and the trees stopped shimmering.

“I’m not enjoying slapping you,” Simon said. “Well, I sort of am, but um, if you’d just get back inside your head I could just—“ He slapped her again.

Five stumbled away from the force of the blow and fell to the ground. She retched the contents of her stomach into the grass. Her head ached and her face stung. But the fog in her brain had finally dissipated.

For the first time since she had succumbed to Moonchild’s control, she could feel the full weight of all the lives she had taken. She didn’t think she could get back to her feet under it.

“There you are! About bloody time,” Simon laughed. “Now get up and follow me.”

She glared at him with all the pain in her heart. But Simon simply nodded, unfazed. “Yep. You know how I can tell you’re better? Because when you were tripping, you were a lot friendlier. Never thought I’d miss that look in your eye you’ve got right now, like I’m something you wiped off your shoe.”

He kept chattering on, saying something about how he had stolen the Comansys serum before she blew up the ship. Five knew he would keep talking at her until she stood up. With a shuddering breath, she pushed away the memories just enough to let her stand. Once she was on her feet, she looked around at the crumbling, dilapidated building in front of her. A rusted sign hung from a post at one corner. The letters were faded, but she could read just enough to tell her what the building was. 

**A mental hospital** , she thought wryly. **Some part of my brain must have been working.**

“…kept going on about having killed Sam!” Simon finished with a laugh.

Five whirled, her heart in her throat. But he held up his hands in a calming gesture. “Just as well you didn’t. That really would have driven you doolally. But he’s alive and kicking and just as irritating as ever. I’ve been listening in to his radio transmissions, pestering anyone and everyone about looking for you. So, all’s well that ends well. Apart from those poor sods on the Comansys ships, obviously,” he said with an irreverent air.

Five thought she might throw up again. Then she flinched as familiar tones beeped through her headset. Simon nodded over her shoulder and Five turned, noticing a haze of unidentifiable people cresting a hill in the distance. “Looks like Moonchild is pretty keen to get you back Five. But that’s okay. You know what to do, don’t you?”

Five set her shoulders. There was only thing she could do, the only thing that would never fail her. She ran.

She and Simon managed to make it to an idling white van before the mind-controlled soldiers on their tail could catch up. She jumped in the back, ignoring the smug smile Amelia Spens shot her from the driver seat. Simon slid into the passenger seat, slapping the dashboard. 

“Come on Amy, we don’t have all day!”

Amelia rolled her eyes, but didn’t hesitate to press the gas. “Honestly, if Five didn’t pose so much of a risk I would not be out here.”

“Well, it’s not like there was anyone else,” Simon said, swaying as the van rumbled away. He turned around in the seat to shrug at Five. “Sorry. But Abel wasn’t going to send anyone after you, too busy fighting that zombie incursion you caused. Not to mention they thought Moonchild still had you under her thumb.”

Five stared at the floor. It rattled in a way that would be concerning, but Five couldn’t bring herself to care. She shouldn't be surprised no one was searching. She didn’t deserve it, after what she had done. She should be grateful Simon and Amelia had showed up at all. 

“Sam wanted to come after, the great softy,” Simon added and the pain her chest eased a little. “But Janine said they couldn’t risk any of their runners being led into a trap. So, it was us, or no one.”

“You ever think we would be the ‘save the day’ type Five?” Amelia asked. She swerved quickly to avoid something on the ground and Five had to brace against the door to keep from falling over. “That’s usually more your area of expertise, but I guess even heroes have their bad days.”

“I know you’re not exactly proud of what you’ve been up to lately, Five, but if you hadn’t have been so good at killing loads of people, we might have kept out of this. And you know, if it makes you feel any better, she really had to turn those control tones up to eleven to try to get you to hurt Abel,” Simon jumped in. “I could hear them leaking out of your headset, and you were still resisting.” 

Five looked out the window, watching the landscape stream by. She couldn’t watch very long, it reminded her too much of train windows. “It doesn’t,” she mumbled.

“You still managed to accomplish quite a bit as Moonchild’s special pet though,” Amelia said. Simon threw his hands up and looked away. “It didn’t seem like a benefit to anyone to leave you in her power. You know the way she thinks, now. That information has to be worth something.”

“Aaand,” Simon said with a pointed look at Amelia. “Now that you’re free of Moonchild’s control, Abel will be happy to see you back.” 

Her body flashed cold at the thought. Simon must’ve noticed. “Oh, I know that expression. Don’t want to have to look your friends in the eye after what you’ve done? Join the club, mate.”

Five scowled, but she couldn’t really say anything, because he was right.

Simon laughed. “I wouldn’t worry. Unlike some, you’ve got a ready-made excuse, haven’t you? ‘Oh. I was mind-controlled, I couldn’t help myself!’ They’ll eat that right up.” 

Amelia snorted and glanced at one of the side mirrors. 

“The runners think the sun shines out her posterior,” Simon told Amelia. “They’ll just be looking for an excuse to let her off the hook. Mind you, Janine might be a trickier prospect, speaking from my own experience.”

“I’m not surprised,” Amelia said matter-of-factly. “If anyone was going to commit mass murder and still be welcome back with open arms, it would be Five. Probably for the best though.” She met Five’s eyes in the rearview mirror. “If you don’t go back, this entire endeavor will have been pointless, and you know how I hate wastefulness.”

“Look, Five.” Simon sighed. “The serum got Moonchild out of your head, but you’ll always remember how good it felt when you killed all those people. That monster’s in you for good.”

Five couldn't take it. “If you’re trying to make me feel better its’ not working,” she snapped.

He shook his head. “No, listen, all that blood on your hands, all the hurt you caused, and you still get to have a second chance.” He shifted uncomfortably. When he spoke again his voice was considerably softer. “If you can go home, if you can be saved, you’d let your old pal Runner Three in on the secret, eh?”

Five glanced at him, but she wasn’t strong enough to face what she saw in his expression. “You’re assuming I can be saved,” she said softly. 

Amelia sighed. Five jerked forward as Amelia put the van in park. “And on that lovely note, this is the end of the ride. I’m assuming you can walk from here?” Five looked out of the windshield and saw the distant outline of Abel’s walls. Amelia twisted in her seat. “I hope you’re not offended we won’t be going with you all the way to Abel. Simon and I aren’t ready to drop in for tea and biscuits with your people at this stage.”

Simon opened the door for her. Five stepped out, shutting it behind her. She couldn’t stop looking in the direction of Abel. 

“Listen Five,” Simon leaned out of the passenger side window. “It’s going to be okay. You might not forgive yourself, but they –they’ll forgive you. You’re one of the good guys to them, and you always will be. And if you need something to sweeten the pill, you can tell them Ed’s still alive. I saw him row away from those ships before you blew them up.”

“Come on, Simon,” Amelia groaned. “Enough with the heart to heart.”

“All right, all right.” He tapped the dash with his knuckles. “Good luck, Five.” He waved as the van crept forward once again, bouncing over a few bumps and dips in the grass.

Once the van was gone Five made her way across the field, keeping an eye out for any zoms. But as she got closer to Abel, her heart started to beat fast. Too fast. She couldn’t get a proper breath and her hands shook. She came to a stop without thinking. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t face them after everything she’d done. Guilt clawed at her chest, ripping its talons through her soul.

Five dropped to her knees, hitting the ground hard. She dug her fingers into the dirt as she struggled for air. Heavy silenced closed in around her, threatening to suffocate her completely.

A scream tore itself from her throat, ripping the grief and anger out of the careful hold she had constructed. Her cry echoed for a brief moment before dissipating into the air. A gentle breeze moved through the grass.

“Feeling better then?”

Five closed her eyes and sighed. Perhaps she really had gone mad.

“I know, I know. Another hallucination.” Runner Eight settled down next to Five with a sigh, wrapping her arms around her knees. “But don't worry, I’m just your regular friendly hallucination. Not the drug-induced, mind-controlled kind.”

She had interacted with a Runner Eight hallucination even before Moonchild screwed with her head. But that didn’t mean she wanted to do it now.

“Why are you here?” Five asked, her voice brittle.

Eight shrugged. “Only you know that. Moral support perhaps? But if you’re coming to me for that, you’re in more trouble than I thought.”

Five gave a bitter, humorless laugh.

They sat in silence for a moment, and some part of Five’s brain was still keeping a lookout for zoms. But she wasn’t entirely sure she would run if one showed up.

“You never answered my question,” Eight said finally. “Do you feel better now?”

“I killed them Sara,” she whispered. “I killed all those people and I…” her voice broke. “I don’t think I can live with it.”

Eight nodded. “I get it. I know you, Five. Every person could tell you it’s not your fault and you’ll still carry that guilt. Probably the rest of your life, even though you don’t deserve it.”

Five squeezed her eyes shut. “The thing I don’t deserve, is to go home.” 

Eight rubbed comforting circles on Five’s back. “Come now,” she murmured. “You’re a survivor Five, like me. I thought I did a pretty good job, most of the time,” she grinned, encouraging Five to join in on the joke. 

“You have people who care about you. Who love you. And, I don’t say this lightly, you need you. Abel needs you.”

She shook her head. **I can’t be the person they think I am**.

“I don’t mean that,” Eight said, of course knowing her exact thoughts. “They don’t need an invincible, unbreakable, immortal Runner Five. They just need you. Someone who loves them. Someone who makes mistakes and fails but goes out to run again.”

Five flexed her hands. She was breathing a little easier.

“And you need them,” Eight added gently.

She glanced sharply at Eight, who gave her a knowing look. “It’s not about deserving to go home, Five. It simply is. Let what happened matter, let it hurt. But they love you and you love them and you help each other.” She got to her feet in one smooth movement. “Why don’t you turn on that headset of yours.”

Five raised her hands up to the switch near her ear, then froze. She looked around for Eight, but her moral support had disappeared. Five was finally, truly alone in the middle of the vast English countryside.

With trembling hands, she turned on her headset.

_\-- nothing yet._

_How can there be nothing?!_ Sam demanded. _Simon said he had visual on her yesterday._

 _Has he made contact with her?_ That was Janine. She seemed more strained than usual.

A beat, then Jody spoke up. _He hasn’t checked in since then._

She thought she heard a frustrated sigh. _We’ll find her, Sam_ , Jody said more gently than Five had ever heard her sound. _We’ll get her back._

 _She was right there. She was right in front of me and I—_ He didn’t finish.

 _There wasn’t anything you could do. Moonchild had her_ , Jody tried to comfort him.

 _And she might still have her_ , Janine reminded them. _We have to be prepared._

Five took a deep, shuddering breath. She couldn’t run away, not now. She had to face the consequences. And the pain. If she didn’t, she would become exactly what Moonchild wanted her to be. 

Besides, her family was waiting. The least she could do for them is make it home. 

Then she could break.

Working up the courage to speak was harder than she anticipated. When she finally did, her voice didn’t even sound like her own. “Sam?”

Shocked silence greeted her. Seconds dragged on. 

_Five? Is that you? Like, the real you?_

“It’s me,” she answered with a soft smile.

 _If she’s mind controlled she could be lying_ , she heard Janine whisper in the background.

“Simon and Amelia dropped me off near the gates. Janine, take precautions. Just don’t let the guards shoot me.” 

Jody spoke up with conviction. _No one is shooting anyone._

 _Just come home, Five_ , Sam urged.

Five got to her feet, drawing on reserves of strength she didn’t know she had. She focused on the outline of Abel’s walls and began to run.

****

The gates rose inch by inch with a rumbling groan. Five raised her hands above her head, walking slowly so as not to startle those aiming their guns at her. She could sense a searing anger behind some of those weapons and wondered briefly if anyone would fire.

When she made it far enough inside, Five stopped with her hands still in the air. The guards formed a ring around her. The gates closed with a crash. No one spoke.

There was a ripple of movement in the crowd and Janine stepped through the ring of weapons. She was professional as ever, but Five saw relief etched at the corners of her eyes. “Runner Five, it’s good to have you back.”

Jody came up behind Janine, grinning widely. “Hey there Five!”

Five winced at the blue and purple bruise mottling her face. Jody waved a hand in front of her face. “Ah, don’t worry about this Five. I know it wasn’t you.” 

“I’m sorry Jody, I never meant—“ She swallowed hard. Jody's smile was gentle.

Five turned back to Janine. “How many?”

Jody shot a panicked glance at Janine, who hesitated. That was enough for Five. “Five, you can’t do that. You didn’t—“

“How many?!” Five’s voice cracked. “Please. I – I need to know.”

Janine locked her hands behind her back, but she looked at Five with sympathy. “We lost five people from the zoms when Moonchild ordered you to infiltrate Abel. We don’t know the total count from the _Leatitia Greenwald_.” She raised her chin. “But it was at least a hundred." 

“There were survivors,” she said softly as Five’s eyes fluttered. “We sent runners to bring them to safety.”

Five swayed as she tried to get a handle on the broken pieces of herself she had held on to to get here. It was one thing to know what she had done. It was another to hear it quantified.

“Five,” Janine said, calling her attention back to the present. Five noticed the handcuffs in Janine’s hand for the first time. “I’m sorry.” She looked genuinely upset. “But as you said, we need to take precautions.”

She nodded and held out her wrists. “I understand. I would do the same thing.”

Janine gently took Five’s wrists and clicked on the handcuffs, trying to make sure they weren’t painfully tight. “You’ll stay up at the farmhouse,” she murmured. “Maxine is going to keep an eye on you.” 

“Five!”

She looked up at the shout and sagged with relief as Sam pushed his way through the grumbling crowd. He burst through the ring and immediately pulled her into a fierce, desperate hug. “I’m so glad you’re back,” he murmured against her hair. Five buried her face against his shoulder as he tightened his arms around her. 

This. This was real. If she had to live in this reality, with all she had done, at least Sam was here.

Sam pulled back and put his hands on her neck, searching her face. “Are you all right?” 

She wanted to tell him she was fine. She wanted to reassure him and ease the worry she saw in that little crease between his eyebrows. But she couldn’t. 

Five shook her head ever so slightly, and the last vestiges of control she had scavenged dissipated. Her face crumpled and tears spilled down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Sam,” she sobbed, her voice breaking. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Sam pulled her in close, and she wept into his chest. “It’s okay,” he murmured, tightening his arms around her. “It’s going to be okay.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Dum vivo, amo.
> 
> "...As long as I live, I love."

**Author's Note:**

> I know this one has a lot of angst and sadness, and one of these days I'll post something that's all fluff to make up for it. Thanks for reading! 
> 
> I've referenced zrtranscripts.tumblr.com for the mission dialogue transcripts (thank you!).


End file.
